I'm curious. In these emotionally turbulent times, what are you truly grateful for?
If the answer is, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I get it.
I have those days too.
And when I do, I give myself permission to talk about my unhappy feelings out loud.
I'm just careful about how I do this and who I include.
Because here's the thing.
Complaining for complaining's sake pollutes the environment. It burdens the people we care about and drains them of precious energy.
And yet, swallowing our feelings to respect the health of others isn't healthy for US.
Emotional suppression creates a separation between the mind and the heart—damaging our relationship to ourselves.
Emotions are meant to FLOW and they can't do that unless we acknowledge them.
Fortunately, there's a healthy way to talk about grievances that allows the energy of our feelings to move without causing collateral damage.
Karla McLaren calls this conscious complaining and it's very different from the chronic, negative kind of bitching that corrodes our capacity for joy.
For starters, this kind complaining is an intentional practice that has a beginning, a middle and an end.
Think of it as complaining with BOUNDARIES.
Chronic complainers (this used to be me!) dump their misery onto others without any awareness of what they're doing (or how it affects people) because venting is just way of life.
Their listeners often feel hijacked, with no other options other than to endure the negativity or try to escape it.
CONSCIOUS complaining, on the other hand, is done in a safe place with someone who has AGREED to listen to you for a defined amount of time.
This allows you to discharge the intensity of your emotions in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, while giving you an opportunity to feel what you feel.
Here's how to do it:
Find a willing partner—a friend, your spouse, a trusted colleague.
Ask them if they'd be willing to listen to you complain for a specific amount of time (anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes) NOTE: Your complaining should never be about the listener!
Let them know they don't need to fix anything or offer advice. Their only job is to act as a sounding board so you can get your feelings out and actually hear yourself.
COMPLAIN! Don't hold anything back! This is the time to let it all out.
When your time is up, shake your hands and legs out, take a big breath, and thank your partner. (Just don't forget to reciprocate!)
Conscious Complaining isn't a gossip session. It's not about commiserating with another.
It's about CLEARING, RELEASING and PROCESSING your feelings so you can get the clarity you need.
If you can't find a willing (or capable) partner, grab some paper and write your feelings onto the page. When you're done, shred it and let it go.
If you're at the office (or with the kids) and don't have the time to do all of the above,
Use the power of your mind!
Ground yourself, then imagine a large sheet of paper dropping down in front of you. Imagine throwing all your anger, rage, hurt and disappointment onto the parchment.
When you're done, visualize rolling it up and burning it.
Karla McLaren calls this "burning contracts" and it's a helpful practice I highly recommend. Sure it sounds weird, but who cares?
Unconscious complaining feeds the collective pain body and makes us feel WORSE.
Conscious complaining offers clean, healthy, intelligent relief.
And that my darling, is a powerful difference.
Sending you so much love,
P.S. I hold a great space for conscious complaining. And I love helping clients sort through their feelings so they can get clear about what they need to develop or let go of completely.
Denying uncomfortable feelings like rage, anger, hatred or envy doesn't makes us noble. It makes us sick.
When we suppress our feelings, we miss out on the important messages our body and emotions are trying to tell us.
If you've been struggling to hear yourself lately, let's team up! CLICK HERE to see your options to work with me privately.
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